What You Shouldn’t Do When You Feel Lonely
You don’t need a ton of friends . . . just a few people and a little small talk
Everyone knows the feeling. It’s sadness mixed in with a bit of fear covered in a blanket of empty. It can lead us to feel anxious or depressed or send us to our beds in the middle of the day. We might try to fill our emptiness with eating, drinking, promiscuous sex, gambling, compulsive shopping . . . the list goes on.
If you feel lonely, you are not alone. Nearly everyone has experienced feeling lonely at one time or another. In a survey of over 20,000 adults, about half reported that they sometimes or always feel lonely (46 percent) or left out (47 percent). Research indicates that 20 percent of all people over the age of 60 frequently feel intensely lonely. One in five Americans report chronic loneliness.
In addition to feeling awful, loneliness can negatively impact our health. Patients with heart failure have much poorer health outcomes if they report being lonely. And loneliness is associated with depression, sleep disorders, type 2 diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure, and substance use and abuse.
Because loneliness is so pervasive, experts offer up many solutions. They include joining a group, getting out more, signing up for online dating, getting a membership in a health club, going for a walk with friends, and volunteering. All great ideas, right? Because of course, you haven’t thought of any of those things (sarcasm).
The problem is that when you are lonely, you don’t feel like doing any of those things. You feel sad and depressed. If you join a new club when you are feeling sad and lonely, you don’t exactly attract people to you (who wants to be with a sad and lonely person?). So it is important to manage some of your emotions before you take action.
Here is what you should not do and what you should do:
Don’t Do’s
- Don’t DO anything at first.
In order to address your loneliness, you need to first assess it. Ask yourself the following questions:
When did it start? You want to know if this is a temporary feeling or if you are chronically lonely. If it just started, you may want to be patient to see if the feeling passes. If it has been going on for a while, it is time to take action (see below).
How have I managed loneliness in the past? If you have experienced this before, how did you manage it? What tips can you give yourself for successfully negotiating your current situation?
Do I see an end in sight? If you look to the future, do you see yourself more lonely or less lonely? Is this just something that will pass and if so, can you find a way to make the most of the current situation?
My daughter told me that her most lonely time was when she went to work in a foreign country — in a new town — knowing no one. What did she do? She bought a cookbook and taught herself to cook. Before long, she had made friends and acquaintances and her lonely feelings diminished. And she learned to cook!
Starting a new hobby or habit can help ease lonely feelings. Sometimes the best way to manage hard feelings is to distract yourself from those feelings. There is nothing wrong with an occasional healthy distraction.
2. Do not get a pet because you are lonely.
Getting a pet is a frequently recommended strategy for relieving loneliness. While pets can ease loneliness (I’ve written about the many benefits of having a pet), you should not get a pet simply to take care of your loneliness.
If your loneliness is temporary, you then will have responsibility for a pet you don’t necessarily need anymore. Pets can be expensive and can take a lot of care and if you are unable to support the pet financially and provide it with the appropriate energy it takes to support it, you should not get one simply to ease your loneliness.
3. Say “no” to joining more clubs.
Surrounding yourself with more people is not the solution to loneliness. You can live in the middle of New York City and still be lonely.
The late Robin Williams said: I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.
If you join a new group when you are feeling sad and depressed, you may find it backfires. First, you not have the energy to expend on feeling positive about the experience. And second, the unfortunate truth is that people are generally not attracted to sad and depressed people. Get yourself back on track first.
Do’s
- Get professional help.
If you have chronic loneliness and you don’t see an end it sight, get some professional help. Therapists, support groups, local mental health agencies can assist with options for counseling. A healthcare provider can direct you to medication options for both depression and social anxiety. You aren’t alone (see statistics above) and you don’t need to suffer when there are resources available to you.
2. Create two-minute communities.
If you don’t feel like having an energy draining social engagement, try a two-minute connection. We call these “Jerry moments” at our house — named for my father who could and would talk to anyone about anything — anytime.
Talk to the person at the coffee shop about how her or his day is going. Talk to a person in the elevator about the weather. Say “hi” to the mail carrier and thank them for the job they do. If you do have a dog, talk to other dog walkers.
Our society has gotten so disconnected from one another that these simple exchanges rarely occur anymore. Don’t be fooled into thinking that small talk is meaningless. It is powerful because while the content of the communication may be light, the act of speaking to another acknowledges their and your presence in this world. And THAT is meaningful and powerful.
3. Reframe loneliness.
First, are you lonely or just alone? And if you are lonely, can you reframe that to be just alone? In fact, we can use this time alone to explore who we are without the responsibilities of others around us.
Almost all religions have silent retreats for spiritual leaders. Silence and “aloneness” are essential to these retreats. Buddhist nun and author Tenzin Palmo lived in a ten by six foot cave for 12 years. Palmo writes that The answer lies within ourselves. If we can’t find peace and happiness there, it is not going to come from the outside.
She also writes that We are reborn, every second, every moment. You can chose to use this alone time to find a way toward a new you.
4. Do something that helps you realize that you are a part of something much larger than you.
Take walk in nature. Visit the Grand Canyon. Stand by the ocean and watch the waves come in and try to see the other side. Look up into the sky at night.
We are all just a piece of a bigger picture and if we are all one, we cannot be lonely.
Writer and meditation guru Deepak Chopra writes If love is universal, no one can be left out. Feel the potential of being a small but significant part of a bigger universe. You are a part of the whole and as such, you are not alone.
Loneliness is complex and there is no one, easy solution. The best we can do is breathe into it and take our time to sort it all out. Author Robert Tew reminds us of this. He writes: Sometimes you need to take a break from everyone and spend some time alone to experience, appreciate, and love yourself.
Love and peace,
Anna B.
