5 Tips to Being “Adam Schiff Cool”!
How to be cool and calm in the midst of difficult circumstances.
If you watched any of the impeachment proceedings, you may have noticed the aplomb with which Representative Adam Schiff conducted business. In spite of people behaving badly and many cringe-worthy moments that made us all feel embarrassed to be Americans, Schiff kept his cool. He didn’t snap back. He didn’t react. He was calm and collected.
If he got angry, he didn’t show it. When he was attacked, he didn’t get defensive. When others challenged his power, he kept his power in spite of the challenge.
Wow — if only I could do that!
All of us have difficult conflict situations: family gatherings, partner/spousal interactions, work conflicts. We dread them for two reasons. First, we dread being around the other person because we know conflict can occur. Second, we worry about how we will respond to the other person if they make us angry. Sadly then, we often we go into the situation ready for a fight. Going in ready for a fight makes it more likely that it will happen!
How to be Like Adam
It is important to understand what happens to us when we get angry or feel attacked. Our brain and body tell us to respond (usually it is “RESPOND DAMN IT!”). Our adrenaline rushes, our blood pressure increases, our heart beats faster, our stomach might turn, and we start to sweat. Our body is preparing us for battle. We fight back, or yell, or ‘flip them off’, or stomp our feet.
This type of response is not good for us. According to an article in the Journal of Medicine and Life, anger and hostility is associated with increased risk of cardiovascular disease, type-2 diabetes, car accidents, and other unhealthy lifestyle behaviors (substance abuse, lack of exercise, poor eating habits).
Clearly, Adam’s way is better.
So what can we do to be more like Adam? Here are some tips:
- Recognize what your brain and body are doing and then STOP and breathe.
Yes, you can literally breathe into your anger and release it. It often helps to take 5 deep breaths to become aware of your brain/body reaction. Just because your brain/body is telling you what to do, doesn’t mean you have to do it!
Stop, center yourself through breathing, and let it go. It isn’t easy, but with practice, it actually works.
Tip: Practice first on smaller issues (for instance — someone cutting you off in traffic, your spouse being late, your kids acting up, etc.) so when the big things happen, you are ready.
2. Plan ahead.
Anticipate situations.
I can’t believe that Adam Schiff did not anticipate the actions of some of his colleagues as he strategized how to manage the hearings.
You, too, can do this. Think in advance about situations: going to your parent’s house for a holiday, a work meeting with the person who’s name you least like seeing in your inbox, a wedding where your ex will be with his new partner.
Imagine how you will handle the situation in a positive and calm way. Visualize yourself breathing deeply and being calm. Visualize yourself as a non-stick surface where the comments and the situation just bounce off of you as you merrily go along your way.
3. Learn your triggers and anticipate how to handle them.
While Uncle George might go on and on about an actor you don’t like, it may not impact you. But talking politics might. Or while you love and enjoy your sister usually, she sometimes brings up an unfortunate family event that carries emotional baggage for you.
Identify your triggers. If it helps, take out a piece of paper or make a spreadsheet and write down your triggers. Next to the trigger put a strategy for managing it. Review the notes before you find yourself in a situation where you might be triggered. And make the list an ongoing list so you can update as you discover more triggers.
4. Take a time out.
Adam Schiff can’t take a time out in the middle of a hearing, but you can take one in most situations.
Create opportunities. A trip to the bathroom is a perfect excuse — gotta go, contact is off center, gotta call a friend. etc. Redirecting your attention to another person can help. Change the subject. Notice a nice vase. Anything that can redirect your attention will help you and give you an opportunity to center yourself again.
If you are truly stuck, take a mental break: visualize yourself revisiting a favorite vacation spot or petting your dog.
5. Be glad you don’t live in that skin.
Sometimes all you can do is be glad that you aren’t behaving how the other person is behaving.
A few months ago my dog and I were nearly struck by a car that ran a red light. The driver was a middle-aged woman in an SUV going too quickly on a downtown street. I was extremely angry at first, but then thought about how glad I was that I wasn’t as rushed or angry or as careless of others as she was. My anger turned to gratitude for my life and even a bit of kindness toward her stress.
I don’t know how Adam Schiff feels at night. Exhausted, I would imagine. What I do know that he has provided us with a role model of professionalism and calm in a very difficult time for our nation.
Our conflicts might not be as big as an impeachment hearing, but for us personally, they can be as significant.
Being more like Adam can help us all deal with our situations a bit more effectively.
